collection by Barry Anthony
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to".
So the Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A local United Way office realized that it
had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to
contribute: "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical
bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."
The lawyer continued: "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.
The lawyer interrupted her apology, saying: "Or that my sister's husband
died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"Leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut her off once again: "...So, if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any money to you?!?
These individual quotes were taken from actual employee performance evaluations in US Corporations.
(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
One
day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Chicken Little to her
class. She came to the part of the story where chicken little tried to warn the
farmer.
She read, "...And so chicken little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit!
A talking chicken!"
A little old lady went into the Bank of
Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with
the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of
money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets?* What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. " You can
never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and
again.* He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer.
"I bet you the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his
pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so
I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the
lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
A tourist in a museum asks the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard says, "Three million, four years, and six months old."
The tourist says, "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when
I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida.
With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when
a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me
from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sitting
on your knee!"
A man and his wife are awakened at 3
o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and
goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is
asking for a push.
“Not a chance” says the husband - “It’s three o’clock in the
morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was it?” asks his wife.
“Just a drunken stranger asking for a push” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!”
“Well, you’ve got a short memory” says his wife. “Can’t you remember
about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him.”
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain
and calls out into the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes the answer.
“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here, on the swing” the drunk replies.
A man calls a lawyer and asks: "How
much would you charge me to answer three questions?"
Lawyer: "Four hundred dollars."
Man: "That's a lot of money isn't it?"
Lawyer: "I guess so. What's your third question?"
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., and I am also the smartest president ever. So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger said, I'm Rasheed Wallace, one of the best basketball players in the NBA, and the Portland Trailblazers need me, so I can't afford to die. So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said; I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am New York's Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy scout said, It's okay, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest president took my backpack.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when
a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said,
"Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking
frog, now that's cool."
The gig is over, and the jazz club is almost deserted. The grizzled old
tenor player is relaxing, having a drink, when in walks an absolutely
and astonishingly stunning redhead.
She walks hesitantly over to the tenor player and says, "You know, I
heard you play earlier tonight, but after I left, I just had to come
back and tell you that when I listened to you play, I felt that you were
playing just to me alone. I was entranced listening to you. Every note
that you played touched me in such a personal and emotional way like I
haven't felt in years. I want to take you home with me, pamper you, and
make love to you until we're both exhausted."
Replied the tenor player: "Did you catch the 1st or the 2nd set???
Western cultural hegemony from Microsoft under attack by
Japanese haiku poetry
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its
hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error
messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating
systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high
ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an
operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we
have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with
our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of
Sony's new error messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Seasons Greetings (after the lawyers were done)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of
your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions
and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all . . .
. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is
necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA"
in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer
platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is
warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.)
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line.
example: I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
16. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
A man was stopped by a game warden in
Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known
for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to
catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them
swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I
take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll
show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man
poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the
game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and
all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and
looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...